Tears

I'm sitting here thinking that I can't remember the last time I cried. It's been many months. They say running triggers endorphins, those feel good hormones. Perhaps that why I've been in a such a good mood the last few months. Well tonight, that ended. I saw something that brought tears to my eyes. I was catching up on my friends' latest goings on by reading their blogs. While I hate this electronic media, I do find that it's much easier to keep up with everyone with just the click of a mouse.

One of my favorites blogs to read is that of a college friend. She and her husband (also a friend from college) have one of those picture perfect marriages and the cutest little girl to go along with it. Well, the first post on their blog began with a cute family picture complete with the four-legged member of the family. Bailey, their dog. I remember when they got him back when we were all in school. It was a popular decision in our college years. So popular in fact that most of my friends, myself included, acquired four-legged friends while we were in school.

My most recent birthday is just another reminder of how many years ago those college years were. Time doesn't stand still for us or our beloved pets. I saw my friend a couple of weeks ago and she mentioned that sweet Bailey was diagnosed with cancer, and tonight's photo was the last complete family photo with him. Just the thought brings tears to my eyes again, and I can't decide why this is. Is it because I knew what a great dog he was and how my friend and her family loved him? Or, is it because I know some day I too will be facing the same situation with my four-legged friends? It's heart wrenching to think about. To have those sweet, unfaltering, loyal souls taken from our lives.

Scary moment

Last night was one of my traditional quiet Friday nights. As I prepare for this marathon, Saturday mornings have been starting with pre-dawn long runs, so Friday is general pretty lame and early to bed. If I venture out at all, it's usually running a quick errand here or there, maybe grabbing dinner with a friend, but that's about it. Last night wasn't much of an exception. I was out on one of those errands, when I decided to stop in a nearby home goods store. I've been in my house for a year, and am still struggling with decorating it. I go into this type of store often, looking for inspiration, and generally leave empty-handed. Last night wasn't much different.

As I was checking out (I bought some wine glasses, can never have too many of those), I was admiring a chair that was nearby. It was black and white hounds-tooth. Very cute, very stylish, but generally didn't match my decor, as if that should stop me. I was talking to the cashier about it, and thought (out loud) that perhaps it just might match my guest bedroom decor, which of course meant my cat would take to sleeping in said new chair. As soon as I said it, I wish I hadn't. It triggered this out of body experience, and forced me to look at myself as this woman would have seen me. This is what she would have seen... crazy cat lady frump girl. Yes that was me last night. I'm embarrassed to admit it.

So had you been there too, this is what you would have seen. Me, in all my unmade up self. I had my hair in a ponytail, and most of the morning's makeup had been wiped away. I was wearing my absolute favorite, should probably be barred from ever leaving the house again, probably in need of a good washing, oversized college sweatshirt, a pair of workout pants that I had in fact slept in the night before, and a pair of flip flops. At least I wasn't wearing house slippers! In my defense, I had been experiencing laundry issues. My washer and dryer were on the fritz, so my wardrobe options were limited. And it was one of the first chilly evenings of the fall, so I was still adapting to dressing for cool weather.

I've often thought at times like this, who am I trying to impress. No one. I'm out running errands, not looking to pick up men. But I realize that I still care about people's perception of me. I've gone out and acquired over 100 lbs of dogs to prove to the world that despite being single, I am not a crazy cat lady. And yet, one misstep out the door last night, and my appearance screams sad, single crazy cat lady. It was indeed a scary moment. I think this moment has triggered in me a need to evolve. I have the new washer and dryer installed and ready to go. Wardrobe malfunctions are a thing of the past! I think I'll go shopping and pick up some uber-feminine new clothes for the fall. Retail therapy is always a good idea. I may be single, but I'd rather be fabulous and single any day. Maybe I'll even pick up a chic, rhinestone collar for the cat.

Oops!

So I've tried to regroup and refocus on my training efforts this week. It was and continues to be much needed. I'm beyond midpoint of the marathon training schedule, and without a doubt, have burned out. Well, at one point last night I decided that I would hit the treadmill (the path of least resistance in my mind) for a quick 30 minute run. Start to finish, warm up to cool down, 30 minutes. That's it. I figured it was more important to do any amount of running regularly during the week, than focus on running 4 miles here, 6 miles there... Right now, I just need to keep moving. Once I've conquered that, I'll work on distance. So last night, I did my blitz run on the treadmill, and was quite satisfied with myself. All day today I've been telling myself that tonight there'd be more of the same. So, what do I do? Come home, make dinner, enjoy a little down time, and oops, did I mention sip two glasses of wine? Hmmm. That's going to be a challenge to follow up with a 30 minute anything other than couch sittin'. Yeah, I'm motivated...

Victory is mine

It was a long and arduous battle, but I knew if I stayed focused I could do it. I could defeat my enemy. That container of mini chocolate chip cookies just staring at me, mocking me. I showed them. They are no longer, and I... I'm totally, completely dissatisfied with my behavior. This is expected, given my track record. I have no will power. This is why there is generally no junk food in the house. I have no self control. I must rise up and defeat the bag of chips or candy or cookies, or how about that pint of ice cream? Yeah, I should know better than to allow that stuff across my threshold. It's not like I can ignore it, or throw it away. Oh no. I must consume every last bit. I tell myself, once it's gone I can refocus. Get back on track. But until it's gone, I can't do anything but think about it. It's all consuming. Well, the junk is officially gone now. I can get back on track. Now I know why I'm training for the marathon... to undo that pint of ice create, bag of chips, handful of candy, and bucket of mini chocolate cookies.

Is it 1988 again?

Ladies and gentlemen, please step into my time machine. It's not like I was ever the coolest kid in class, but, I certainly would like to think that I have improved by leaps and bounds since then. Well tonight, I most definitely took it to a whole new level. When I found out what event was taking place right here, in town, tonight, I just knew I had to be a part of it. Plus, I also knew that there's no way anyone would be fighting over tickets to the corporate suite for this event. Well, I got my tickets, I sat in that corporate suite, and I rocked out to what was quite possibly the coolest concert since 1987. Oh yeah, that's right, the New Kids On The Block were in town, and I was right there. Jealous?

Dyn-o-mite!

I just had one of those a-ha kind of moments. I'm sitting here watching the recent cult classic Napoleon Dynamite and came to the scary realization that one of my recent exes eerily resembles a rapidly approaching thirty-year-old version of Napoleon. It's absolutely horrifying! He has a similar physique, that same "duh" kind of expression on his face on most occasions, much smaller glasses, much less hair, and the personality of a social reject. Had I seen this movie before I agreed to go out with him, it may never have happened. I'm still completely dismayed that it happened at all. More on this topic later. In the meantime, I will continue to get a laugh at this flick, and at least I can look back and laugh at that not-so-little misstep.

Exhaustified

I heard this "word" while watching a remake of a classic movie of one of my favorite novels... Little Women. It's a story about four sisters, which I am one of four girls in my family. I read it for the first time in middle school and fell in love with the story. But, my point here is this made up word, which I have adopted into my everyday vocabulary. Spoken by a young Kirsten Dunst, the youngest of the four girls in the remake, she quite often in the film uses big words, albeit made up words, to sound grown-up like her older sisters. Exhaustified.

It's the epitome of how I feel right now. I work full time, I'm a full time homemaker, and I'm the full time guardian of a small zoo. Those around me always comment about how they thought working out was supposed to energize you. With all the running, if this theory were true, I should be bouncing off the walls. I'm not. I have this theory that it could be diet related. Maybe I'm not eating enough, maybe I'm not getting enough protein, who knows. Could be, but I truly believe it's because, I'm performing this juggling act day in and day out... all by myself.

Is it a bad idea to want to get married, just so there is someone to help around the house?

Another year older, another day wiser

In the last 24 hours, I have learned the following... that 0 miles combined with 20 miles is not only a bad idea, but also not feasible, that all guys are jerks, and that I am a completely irrational individual. I suppose that last part could be misconstrued as simply being female. So back to the 20 miles. I was seriously optimistic, once I started the morning run at the lake today. Now granted, I was grumbling the whole way from dragging myself out of bed at 5:15 to arriving in the parking lot, but once I got moving, I thought I can do this. About mile 3, which is way to early to be having complications, I started experiencing serious knee pain. I blame the lacing of the shoes, but untying and retying does not seem to work. I finished the first loop around the lake (9 miles for those not familiar) and am gearing up for the second. I can not physically do it. It hurt to walk, it hurt to run, and rather than destroying my legs just to finish, I stop and turn around. Today, I completed a mere 13 miles. A half marathon. And I feel like a complete failure. As I've said before, perspective does strange things to us.

So on to the all guys are jerks bit. I join some friends at a bar to enjoy a cold beer (or two) and watch a great football game. Something happened over the course of the afternoon. I'm not sure what it was, but I wound up leaving in the foulest mood. Right before I left, I declared that one of the parties present was rude. He was apologizing, but I simply dismissed it as being insincere. Another party present mentioned he may not be joining the birthday festivities later on this evening, which I also considered rude. These two guys have completely destroyed my mood, hopefully not for the night. Now, I've always known I'm a head case at least where guys are concerned, but today it is a fact staring me in the face, not to be ignored. That's where the irrational part comes in to play.

Insincerity is high on my list of undesirable traits. I feel like a lot of people just pay me lip service (you can insert guys here if you'd like). I think that if everything people said to me were true, I wouldn't be in the single and cynical state that I find myself in now. As I was departing the bar this afternoon to head home and rest up before dinner, I felt as though they were ushering me out. In quite a condescending manner I might add. It just felt as though they really couldn't care if I stayed, their enjoyment would be the same one way or the other. This feeling, plus a healthy dose of paranoia, just set me off. Hence the irrational part. Now, I'm home. The dinner outing gets going in 2 hours, and I'm in a terrible mood. I really need an attitude change and fast.

Now the interesting twist to this grumpiness, and I know I can pretend it is not truly the case, is the behavior of these guys. I have know both of them for quite some time, and neither of them have ever shown any genuine interest in me. In fact, it seems to me that they are so disinterested, that they go out of their way to shove me off, hence the condescending ushering. It's not at though I'm throwing myself at them either. I'm not. I'm being sociable, but that's about the extent of it. Now I'm wondering, is my foul mood truly because they have behaved rudely, or do I think they are rude because they're not fawning over me. As I was saying, I'm quite irrational.

Happy Birthday to Me

It's funny how a day that I once looked forward to with the same enthusiasm as Christmas, now seems like just another ordinary day. I've been hearing Stevie Wonder in my head all day today as I've had that thought. There have been special moments and well wishes, but in general, another year older is just another year. Tomorrow night (although no longer my actual birthday) will be the night of festivities. It's hard to go out and celebrate with a 6:30 am, 20-mile run looming in the morning. So tonight, I will go to bed early and rest up. Tomorrow, I will sprinkle of hint of extraordinary over what seems to be just another ordinary day.

Motivation, wherefore art thou?

I'm on a quest for the amateur runner's holy grail. The marathon. I've been training for nearly three months now, have finished a 20K race in just over 2 hours, and have reached a max distance of 18 miles. So far. And what else have I done? Not laced up my shoes once this week. It's Wednesday night. Now granted, I did just return from a business trip at 10 o-clock last night, and did have to get up at quarter to 5 the morning before to make my crack o' dawn flight. So, I am tired and rightfully so. And today's return to the office was no less than chaotic. But, even so, I still have no motivation to get moving. I love the post-run high that I get, and that feel-good mood that lasts and lasts. But still, I can't seem to drag myself off the couch. I adopted this idea from my sister years ago where I place stars (think back to elementary school) on my calendar on days that I work out. I love that sense of accomplishment that I get when I step back and look at the calendar at the end of a month, and see lots of stars. This month so far, the calendar is somewhat bare. Have I mentioned that my birthday is in two days? I wonder if this is causing the mental block?