The end of the day

Have you ever been at the moment of truth and been completely incapable of speaking it? I feel as though I hit that moment tonight. I cooked dinner tonight for my socially inept, non-boyfriend, significant other. And when it comes down to it this wasn't just any dinner. This was THE dinner. The best I have in my repertoire. I'm a fairly competent cook and can whip up many a gourmet feast without sweating it... too much. I've tried this dish on one other occasion... the man that came before this one. It's something I pulled out when trying to impress, to win his favor. Tonight was under no such circumstances. I just felt it was time. To show my appreciation, to show him I'm in this, to show him he means something to me.

Much to my dismay, we were both in a funky mood, which didn't lighten upon his arrival. He had been working most of the weekend and was rushing to finish up tonight before hurrying over to my place. One thing he hates, and rightfully so, is rushing to have a good time. I agree. It's not worth it if you're going to be completely stressed getting there. So he's grumpy when he arrives and makes said comment, which I have heard all too many times, and what do I say? It's grey now, but something along the lines of if you don't really want to be here, don't let me drag you out. And with that, he left. At first I thought it was just to the bathroom, and then after a couple of minutes have passed, I thought he really left. And then, a couple of minutes later I thought, o god, he's in the bathroom still, broken up about how he's going to end this, which leaves me in the kitchen having visions of tears and food flying. He was in the bathroom, but when he returned there was no further conversation on the topic. My window had passed, which it seems to do all too often. We proceeded to enjoy a fantastic meal, and as the night wore on, it had to come to an end. Work is looming, and the clocks jumped forward this weekend, which just exacerbates that fact. As he's leaving I experience those all too familiar feelings. Hollowness and emptiness. And perhaps it's just completely unrequited longing. These are strong words, but at the end of the day, I'm not willing to give up just yet, which makes it no less difficult for me. He has a fan club of one in my life, and I often feel like I'm not enough to fight for both of us, which leaves me second guessing my every move and is completely unfair to him.

There were a couple of moments tonight where I had about fifty million questions on the tip of my tongue but could never spit them out. So here I am a victim of my own silence. Perhaps it's not as bad as it seems, and tomorrow, once this wine has faded, things will look up. One can only hope.